Amanda Marcotte has recently become one of my favorite bloggers. She's known primarily for being an unapologetic feminist, with a sharp polemical style and wit of steel. I tend to put her in the "don't always totally agree with, but brings an important perspective and is damn amusing to boot" category. She doesn't play nice with the boys, and there are far too many boys who find this absolutely outrageous for a woman blogger, especially one who's "not even hot" (yes, direct quote). When these boys set their sights on one of her posts, they can quickly turn the comment section into a hateful cesspool of misogyny and masculine insecurity. They do a marvelous job of proving exactly why it is important she continue to write and not pull punches for the sake of being "ladylike."
In the wake of the awful shooting spree last week by a young man whose misogyny-soaked "manifesto" could've have come straight out of her chauvinist commentariat, Marcotte wrote a piece for The Raw Story about the "friend zone" and its negative connotations. Since some of you are, uh, older than others, let me explain: The "friend zone" is part of the myth, unfortunately popular in the young male nerd community, that many women (especially the most attractive) just don't go for so-called Nice Guys, preferring instead to pursue Bad Guys who are exciting but ultimately not right for them. These same women then run to their buddies the Nice Guys for emotional support when they are inevitably mistreated by the Bad Guys, support which the Nice Guys freely provide, time after time, all the while wondering why their bereft lady friends can't see the steady rock of a guy right in front of their eyes. It's simplistic, juvenile and totally bogus, which I sincerely hope is obvious to most mature adult men. The shooter, however, seems to have bought into a particularly resentful form of this story, seeing himself as the mistreated Nice Guy, and it's sparked a wider discussion about what part, if any, it might have played in motivating him to kill.
Marcotte, understandably disturbed, points out the not-terribly-subtle misogyny underlying the Nice Guy myth: it seems to imply that the Nice Guy is somehow owed romantic attention and sex from his female friends, that women who don't want him aren't deserving of the freedom to pick their own partners, and that in the end, women are good only for fucking, not friending. Marcotte then trawls through the scores of Internet image memes out there that play off the Nice Guy and his woes, pointing out just how sexist they are. And oh holy hell, there is some messed up shit out there, to no one's surprise. The article is good, if disquieting, stuff and well worth a read. I haven't checked the comments and, for the sake of my remaining faith in humanity, don't want to look. I'm not sure quite how bad it might have gotten down there, but judging from past experience, it's probably a Superfund site by now.
My Story
Honestly, while I've known for years it was utter bullshit, I didn't quite grok the misogynistic implications of the "friend zone," and the wider myth from which it springs, until this discussion, which I suppose is what having these discussions is all about. As a younger man of a nerdy persuasion, I very much bought into the Nice Guy victimology to explain my lack of lady love. For a guy who could barely get up the nerve to flirt, let alone ask a gal out, seeing myself as the tragic hero was far more comforting than facing the issues that kept me timid and turned girls off. The resentment was definitely there. So was the the feeling of being entitled to sex from womankind, as awfuit now seems. I am ashamed to admit to this, even though it was years ago, when I was young(er) and dumb(er). And I can see how an eighteen year-old me saturated in American teen culture, who had never gone past a couple rounds of bumbling, hands-off tonsil hockey, might find such a warped view of women appealing.
Luckily enough, I got older. I had some life experiences. I learned from my mistakes and matured. In sum, I grew up. I came to realize that womankind did not owe me a thing, in bed or out. Women pursue whomever they like, sleep with whomever they like, and if she's just not that into you, tough luck, try again elsewhere. I learned that I had to give in order to get, to not assume that I was entitled to love just because. And you know what? My dating life got a lot better. Time passed, and I eventually found the perfect woman for me. I did my best to be an awesome boyfriend and to truly earn her affection. She agreed to marry me, so I guess I did something right. Now she is not only my wife, and my love, but she is also my best friend. That's the way it should be.
The Lesson Here
The Nice Guy delusion, clearly based on subsumed sexual frustration, is decidedly not female-friendly. Back in my younger days, I didn't think I was a sex-hungry misogynist, but frankly, it doesn't matter what I thought of myself. That's not really the point. Intolerant and hateful attitudes are everywhere in our culture, and we can pick them up without even realizing their pernicious roots. Most racism doesn't come in the blatant form of a Don Sterling, just as most misogyny doesn't come from guys as loathsome as Chris Brown. Most intolerance comes from everyday people, good people, who may not even realize what evil lurks unseen beneath their innocuous-seeming thoughts, words and actions. It has been continuously drilled into our subconscious minds from the moment we could understand language and even before, from when we could recognize emotion in others. No, none of us are immune, but what matters is recognizing the hidden hatreds in ourselves and consciously working to counteract it. No one can ever truly be free of intolerance, but one can confront it, call it out, and work through it. The true misogynist, like the true racist, is the one who is shown the harm his words and actions cause, but refuses to acknowledge it or combat it, maybe even to the point of embracing it. (Looking at you, PUA assholes!)
The shooting in Isla Vista, like the too many before it, was a tragedy of human weakness meeting human weaponry. Though it raised other issues we must all address, let us use the opportunity to get the conversation rolling on how to better think about and treat women. It really is that easy - it all starts with an open dialogue. It starts with listening and learning how women are hurt by things we didn't intend to cause offense or pain. It starts with honesty between men and women, without recrimination or reflexive defensiveness. Above all, it starts when we men talk to each other and share wisdom on how to be not some pathetic Nice Guy, but a truly Good Man.
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